When I lost my father a couple of years ago, the day went by in a haze and I don’t remember much about it. But I do remember that a friend was by my side throughout the day as I took part in the funeral rites. I also remember that he did not offer any words of consolation – in fact, he hardly spoke the entire day. I shall never forget his kindness and his empathy, his ability to sense and understand what I must be going through, mentally and emotionally, and offer his silent support by just being there.
Developing insights into what someone else is going through takes imagination and intelligence. It certainly helps if we have gone through a similar experience, as we know what it is like to be in their shoes. I believe each one of us has the capacity for empathy, if we allow ourselves a little bit of time to pause and think about what the other person is going through. In other words, it takes conscious effort. When someone close to you acts suddenly in a manner that’s out of character, trying to understand the reasons for their behaviour can make you more effective than reacting with impatience or frustration. It is clear that empathy begins with a Socratic willingness to set aside our assumptions and what we think we know and instead be curious about the other person.
As leaders, we achieve better outcomes when we understand what our colleagues and customers are going through and act accordingly. Effective managers know that giving performance feedback to someone who is unwell or beset by personal troubles is futile. When we know what our customers experience when they use our products and services, we are able to address their requirements and expectations better. Great product and user-experience design teams have learned to suspend judgment, to delay problem definition and with an open mind, to first understand more about their users’ needs and their environment. They learn that true empathy earns the trust of their users which in turn makes them, the users, want to share more about their needs. This approach ensures their solutions are human-centered and thus, relevant and useful.
Empathy very well explained in a lucid manner
During my 4-year stint at BMW of North America, New Jersey, I used to go to the cafeteria with my colleagues for lunch. I was one of the few Indians at the premises and I usually settled for some bread, salad, etc. The chief cook, Ralph, who watched me for a few days called me up and asked “Hey buddy, I don’t see you eat anything other than salad. Don’t you like what we cook?”. I told him politely that I was a vegetarian and that I didn’t find any food that had no meat. “Oh, is that so?” he pondered and went back to the kitchen. We had exchanged a few pleasantries in the meantime.
To my utter surprise, as we entered the cafeteria the next day, he waved at me and shouted “Kuummmaarr, I have got something special for you. Totally vegetarian and very much Indian. Downloaded some recipes from the net.”. This was the pre-Google era, the ‘Altavista’ days. He had made ‘tomato rice’ for me. He also set-up an ‘Indian’ counter for me and needless to say, many of my American colleagues settled for these delicious dishes in the days that followed. This was in 1996.
Out of the over a thousand people who ate at the cafeteria, I still wonder how Ralph was able to notice this one guy who couldn’t put much on his plate. Later I heard that Ralph had moved to Alaska to be close to his daughter’s family. Any time I hear the word ’empathy’, I think of Ralph. Just as you think of your good friend, Ravi.
Excellent blog, Ravi! Empathy is very important at the work place too. Those who support you with their silent presence or few words make a world of difference when you are dealing with difficulties.
Like your friend, I too would have remained silent, Ravi. In fact silence many a times is the solution to inner struggles people go through. It, I believe, opens a window of opportunity to reflect and then reach out more pragmatically to our loved ones.
Well said Ravi. Thank you.
Beautiful piece….Happy to read your articles.
Radhika
Thanks for sharing this thoughtful article. Reminds me of something that Pratima my wife said about someone: she is full of sympathy for others but lacks empathy. Being empathetic has the potential to engage and connect with people more meaningfully and powerfully, both in personal and professional settings. Few of us are naturally empathetic though!
Meaningful article Ravi. We normally are selective in empathizing for friends and family, but not often at the workplace. Truly an eye opener.
Just remembered someone one saying that empathy should not turn into sympathy, because that can lead into strange situations .