Why do we complain so much?

We know it isn’t good for us. Our health, our career and our relationships all suffer when we give in to this habit. And a habit it is for many who don’t realize that a ‘glass half empty’ mindset has become their default setting. Some of us use it to find common ground and start a conversation with a stranger. Anyone who has been stuck in a long line that hardly moves will relate. We also complain when we want to validate our beliefs. Some complain because their expectations are very high and are therefore seldom met. And let’s face it: it does feel good to complain sometimes.

So, what happens when we complain?

Some justify complaining with the words "I am merely stating the truth." While this may be true, it is also true that the act of complaining is a creative one. It requires us to dwell on what is bothering us, put those feelings into words and then share them. While all this may happen fairly quickly, in this time, we are in a negative place in our mind and reinforcing our reality with these thoughts. Put another way, what we do affects how we feel. To quote the American philosopher and psychologist William James, “We feel sorry because we cry, angry because we strike, afraid because we tremble.” Complaining also allows us to put off doing anything about what is bothering us. It allows us to shirk responsibility for what we can do that is within our power. I am reminded of the times some of my team members came in late to work and blamed the traffic for their tardiness. I think the real harm comes when we whine without pause, without thinking, when it has become second nature. I suspect each of you knows, and avoids, at least one such person. At work, such behaviour will almost certainly be interpreted as having a “victim attitude”.

Here are a few ways to avoid this rather ubiquitous trap:

1. Be mindful. Are you aware that you are complaining? Do you know how others see you? Learn to observe yourself and to apply brakes if you are going swiftly down the road of complaints.
2. See what you can do. Take responsibility for what is within your power. A trainer once told me that when the AC is set too high in a training room, there will be some who will only sit and crib while others will get up and call the Facilities folks to come and fix it. Exploring options and acting with agency will help keep your mind off negative thoughts.
3. Accept that disappointments are inevitable. Having a stoic mindset that not everything is in our control will help us remain calm. Expecting that things can go wrong will allow us to develop plans to mitigate failures and fiascos. High-strung perfectionists will find this particularly hard – almost everyone is bound to disappoint them.
4. Treat every setback as an opportunity. A meme I received recently had this message: When you replace ‘Why is this happening to me?’ with ‘What is this trying to teach me?’ everything shifts. Enough said.

Being positive isn’t an impossible goal. With practice, feedback and more practice, we can accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative from our lives.